Today I found myself lost. I wasn’t lost in a literal sense of the word, but emotionally I was in uncharted territory.
At a crossroads, the trajectory of my life is about to change. A storm is brewing on the horizon and emotional turmoil overwhelms my senses. Change is hard; inevitable and necessary, but hard nonetheless.
Over the past 2 years I’ve undergone significant growth. While growth is good, it comes with a hearty side of growing pains. Growth has lead me to examine my values and beliefs. And I have discovered that my house of cards is built on a shoddy foundation. I no longer value consumerism. I’m striving for freedom, rather than the confines of debt. I value passion and creation which seem to be increasingly scarce. Not only am I no longer content with the status quo, I’m completely unable to tolerate it. The constant pursuit of more, to impress others, is no longer my ideal. The life I have invested years in designing now disgusts me and leaves me in an utter state of discontent. I now know that it is time to keep moving.
Don’t misunderstand, I am grateful for the roof over my head, for my job, and for the stability that has offered me many opportunities and experiences. And for the first time in my life, I’m truly grateful, on a heart wrenching level, for all of my worldly possessions. I am finally feeling the emotional weight of these belongings. I am feeling every hour of work invested in each of these items. I feel the weight of the hands that toiled to make the fabric I’m wearing and picked the food that I eat. I’m feeling the weight of every decision, in a long line of decisions, that has led me to this position. This weight is crushing me.
But there is hope in knowing that this too shall pass. This moment, this year, this way of life shall pass because I will choose intentionally to move in a new direction.
On the horizon I can see freedom. I can feel peace, knowing that my life looking forward will be the epitome of intentionality. A path leading to a life well curated is sure to be full of surprises and pitfalls, but looking at that horizon, I know where I’m meant to be.